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Can you telephone from the space shuttle?
Of course I can tell a phone from the space shuttle! The phone's the one with the long cord!

What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A big phone-y!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't any idea who it was.
It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
Bell-bottoms!

Sean Connery has been quiet of late, having done no work in quite a while. So he decides to phone his agent and
find out what sort of jobs are going. The agent says that he'll make a few enquiries, but he isn't sure that there is much call for aging Scots actors, even of Sean's
stature.
The next day, the agent calls back and says "Sean, I have great news. I have found you a job. It's not great, but it's a start"
"What is it?" asks Sean
"Its an advertisement for television. The producer is keen to meet you. You have to be there for ten-ish"
"Tennish?" says Sean "But I don't have a racquet"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

Ring Ring...
Hello, who is it?
Is your phone number 13498732?
No.
So, why do you pick up the phone?

Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy signal.

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion, he has a swimming
pool with two great white sharks in it. He says he will give anything he owns to the man who swims across that pool.
The party continues and no one goes into the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. There is a man swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him, but he reaches the end and he gets out, wet and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my cars my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, sir, what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name
of the person that pushed me in!"

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
"Paddy moi friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an oi wanted to know if you could come around a couple
a toimes a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".
"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good toime".
So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida.
However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy."Everything's ok over here", Paddy said."Except you're cat. It's dead".
"Feckin ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy". "What do you mean?", replied Paddy.
"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that
it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down.
On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because
of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.
So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.
"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma. She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down".

How does a lobster answer the phone?
Shello?

An 85-year-old man told his daughter he was moving to a home.
She had nursed him through bad health for years but he decided the time had come for him to chill out in a nursing home.
He said, "I've found a nice one and I'm moving in tomorrow It's time for you to enjoy your own life without having to
worry about me".
Reluctantly she agrees and drops him off at the home.
A week later he phones her from the home saying, "It's great here darling, you have nothing to worry about. We get up and have breakfast and stroll about the grounds, they do a superb lunch and evening meal, then just before bedtime they give me Horlicks and a Viagra tablet.
The daughter explodes with anger, next day she arrives at the home banging the wardens door and demanding an explanation why are you giving an 85 year old man Viagra.
The warden says "Please sit down and calm yourself, you have nothing to worry about at all, we give your father Horlicks
to relax him for sleep, and we give him the Viagra to stop him rolling out of bed.

A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other
crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in
halfway!!"

What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
When they're not home!

Having been for several high-powered job interviews, a man is driving home when his car phone rings. The voice says,"Mr. Smith
We'd like to offer you the position immediately with a salary of Ł50'000"
The man is so excited he loses concentration and swerves across
the road. Several minutes later his phone rings again and he is Offered an even better job with an even better salary.
Mr Smith is so excited and again forgets he is still driving and Swerves violently from one side of the road to the other.
Having regained his composure, the phone rings again and a voice says "Mr Smith we'd like to offer you the position of Managing Director and start you off on Ł80,000 plus stock options and
health care."
This time the car spins out of control, through a shop window and comes to rest on on top of the counter. The shopkeeper says, "Are you some kind of idiot? What happened?"
Mr Smith turns and says:
"Sorry Mate...... I just careered off the road!"

A man needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was
free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there holding the phone to his year but not saying
a word.
Ten minutes later, he was still not talking.
Fifteen minutes later, he still wasn't talking.
Finally, the waiting man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. "I really won't be long and I really
need to make a short, but important call."
"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, Brittany was shocked to find her house had been ransacked and
burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Brittany ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police
for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
When they're not home!

What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people,
pretending to be somebody else?
A big phone-y!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young
businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal
working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

How many rabbits can you fit in an empty phone booth?
One, after that it isn't empty.

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

What did the big phone say to the little phone?
Your too young to get engaged!!!

Party Host: Hello?
Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her?
Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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